we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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