shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
