yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you never un-have a 4some
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
