My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
