dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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