Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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