Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
