her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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