i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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