Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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