his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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