So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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