He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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