I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
