i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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