She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
