I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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