so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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