Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
