I didn't shave. On purpose
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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