Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
