There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
