shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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