Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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