I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
