I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
