You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
