peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
