Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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