you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
