Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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