Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
