He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
