I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
