you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
