you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
