Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
