we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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