this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
