Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
