im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
