Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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