Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize