Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
