I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
