Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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