i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
it hurts more in the daytime
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
