you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
