i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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