you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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