I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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