So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
