I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
