she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
