just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
